ON BEING DOMINIQUE: RESISTANCE (III)
Part III of "ON BEING DOMINIQUE" is an analysis of men’s resistance to female domination: the 8 phases through which men may resist and a plan to overcome it for both men & women
I’ll be your mistress tonight
I’d like to put you in a trance
If I take you from behind
Push myself into your mind when you least expect
Will you try and reject it?
- “Erotica” by Madonna
Why can’t more men give into their submissive side?
Other than the obvious toxic masculinity that infects their thoughts, their words, their actions? It’s easy to diagnosis but still interesting to examine the internal struggles and external pressures that inhibit men from embracing their desire to submit.
Many men use their exploration of subordination to deal with their feelings of inadequacies, their insecurities. D/s dynamics can be a very healthy form of pleasurably processing trauma, but even just making sense of our feelings towards societal expectations. It can be a form of escapism.
When a woman is dominant over a submissive man, it is truly an escape from our horrifying society’s structure. It subverts the gender binary, gender expectations, standard sexual practices. I understand why being submissive can be healing for everyone, women included, but in this terrifying world where our rights are obliterated, I’m becoming increasingly concerned by the ramifications of a woman submitting to a man, even for her own enjoyment. Some male doms are actually caring, giving, and able to center a woman’s pleasure. But as a former sub, I’ve realized that even the best male dom is still a man commanding a woman, and that doesn’t sit right with me.
I will explore our desires to submit in a separate piece, but here I will explore the reasons why men resist submitting. Submission doesn’t have to be gendered, but it unfortunately is. Femininity has become intrinsically coupled with subordination, and I want to work to decouple it. For now, let’s focus on the phases that a submissively inclined man may encounter as he moves through his desires and explores his inclinations.
Dating as a Domme is difficult, and it never seems to get any easier. Just when I think I’ve found a man who’s ready to submit to me, he disappoints me in some way. Men continue to find new and surprising ways to disappoint me and ruin whatever chance we had a good time. Men must overcome much of the misogyny, self criticism, and toxically masculine ideas that they’ve been taught in order to submit to a woman. It’s not an easy task, but I know it can be done. I haven’t met my perfect match, but I know he’s out there. When I say that, I don’t mean that I’m on the search for a boyfriend or husband. I mean that I’m on the hunt for a man with whom I can play out my fantasies within a mutually respectful and trusting connection. I didn’t think that would be so hard to find, but here we are.
When men resist a woman’s dominance, it shows up in several ways and I’ve found that it presents in several stages of their submission. I’ve quantified and qualified these stages, most of which I have personal experience with, both in work relationships and romantic (“pro-bono”) ones. The stages are as follows:
Complete resistance to the idea entirely. Absolutely no interest, at least not any that is voiced/communicated to any partner. No exploration of the field at all.
Resistance to the act; Interest at the most hypothetical level. This type of man wants to talk about the potential of being dominating, but does not act upon the interest
Resistance leading up to the act - Initial engagement followed by withdrawal. This man makes a plan but cancels before it can come to life
Resistance during the act - this man wants to be dominated, talks about it, agrees to it, makes plans for it, shows up for the act, but decides he cannot go through with it right before it occurs or during
Resistance immediately after the act - this man regrets his submission soon after it occurs; he wants to hide the evidence of it or pretend it didn’t happen, but he will commit the act again, stuck in a cycle of craving and instant regret
Resistance later after the act - this man decides days, weeks later, that he did not enjoy it. Likely because the toxic masculinity that he managed to fend off for a bit came back with a vengeance
Resistance after a long period of time - this man willingly obliges as a sub for a long period of time, perhaps even years, but some change in his life or sub situation causes an adverse reaction which turns to regret
Acceptance and indulgence in female domination, still coupled with shame which forces them to keep their submission separate and secret from their “real life”
Now let us break each stage down and explore their complexities:
1. Resistance to the idea entirely. Absolutely no interest, at least not any that is voiced/communicated to any partner. No exploration of the field at all.
The first stage is the most common. This is representative of about 95% of the men that I have seen or talked to on dating apps. This is the group that needs the most work, the least open or amenable. I don’t think this means that there is no chance that this type of man can experiment with or enjoy being submissive. It’s my purpose with this work to open some of these men up to the possibility and help them see how freeing and healing it can be to submit to a woman. But as it stands now, this group is not flexible in their belief that they are dominant and they are only seeking a submissive woman. It would disturb their belief system too deeply for them to even entertain the idea of being submissive. Their dominance is deeply tied to their beliefs about their own gender,
I have essentially sworn this group off when it comes to pro bono dating. With my clients as a sex worker, I sometimes have to see clients like this, because I have to pay my bills. But I do ask questions when a client requests my submission, refusing to submit to me. Are they experienced with being a dom? How do they express their dominance? How do they take care of their sub? Unfortunately, many clients that I’ve come in contact with who wish to dominate me are seeking an experience where they can express their misogyny through punishment on the body of a sex worker. How is this any different than me expressing my anger towards men through my work as a dominatrix? Well, I am part of the oppressed group, and a male client is part of the oppressive group. He has more power than me, in life and in the connection. Even when I am the dominant one, as sex workers we still are at risk of greater danger than our clients. Although in the state of California, the act of buying sex is illegal and the act of selling it is not, but the risk of being harmed, raped, or killed by a client is more likely than the reverse.
I view this as more of a type of man or a group, as opposed to the subsequent categories which I define as stages or phases because this group is defined by their complete objection to male submission, whereas the following categories are occupied by men that possess some kind of desire to submit, albeit with reservations. As we move towards a more progressive and open minded view of female domination (hopefully my work can be of service there), we can look at this category as a phase rather than a quality of a man. There will be a higher likelihood of men exiting this category, and a more clear path for them to move through the stages and overcome their misogyny and submit to women sexually.
2. Resistance to the act; Interest at the most hypothetical level. This type of man wants to talk about the potential of being dominating, but does not act upon the interest
This phase is quite common as well and could be easily confused or blurred into the 3rd stage. They are both “hypothetical subs”: men that hypothesize, think about, talk about, seek out domination, but do not complete the act of participating in female domination. This is a stage, rather than a specific type of person, because the man can move out of this stage once he does act upon it. I’ve only separated the two to call out the difference between the hypothetical sub that only wants to sext about the idea of it, versus the hypothetical sub who makes plans to complete the act, but then experiences trepidation leading up to it. These are different stages in the process, but they are near each other and can be experienced by the same man, often within a close time frame.
Most men will begin their journey into submission by just hypothetically discussing it with a partner. When I’ve talked to men at this stage, it is typically on dating apps or potential clients that have reached out from my SW ads online. Sometimes they will have initially expressed interest in dominating me, or they have inquired about my kinks/desires and I have explained that I prefer to be Domme, that I do not enjoy being sub unless it is to someone who is incredibly experienced, kind and caring. I do not have to dominate them, we can have more “vanilla” sex where we are “equal” (though we will never actually be equal), but I draw a clear line around my offerings, submission is not a turn on for me any more. Once I’ve expressed this, the man at Phase 2 will answer with a semi-open mind and some curiosity. For example, he may say: “Oh yeah? What does domination look like for you? How do you dominate?” His mind may be slightly more open than the first phase, but he is not ready to make plans for the act yet.
3. Resistance leading up to the act - Initial engagement followed by withdrawal. This man makes a plan but cancels before it can come to life.
This stage is likely the next phase after Phase 2 (complete non-interest in female domination), because men tend to experience trepidation after each advance into their submission, however, it is not a definitive next step for every man - some men skip this and advance into action.
This could be a situation like the one I’ve explored above, a more dominant man with a briefly open mind, but more commonly this is a man who does seek out my domination. He finds me because my ads mention that I offer dominatrix services, or he messages me because my dating profile mentions that I am Domme. Between phases 2-7, I have seen this phase the most frequently.
There was the guy who I matched with on Feeld because he said he was a finsub cuck that wanted to pay for my dates with other men as well as new lingerie for me to get fucked by other men in. Great, I said, let’s do it. He expressed some trepidation in the initial texts: his face was not shown on his profile, he said he didn’t want anyone to know about his kinks, he asked for me to respect his anonymity even after he revealed his identity. Fine, I had no problem with that. We made plans to meet at a mall nearby and have a drink (he wanted to do that first to calm his nerves) and then we would visit a lingerie shop and I could pick out whatever I wanted up to a certain spend limit. That was it. No touching, definitely no fucking. Just using him for his credit card and then promising to follow up with a detailed report of how I got fucked in the lingerie that he had purchased (I could always lie about that). We made a plan which he rescheduled as we neared the date. As the rescheduled date came closer, he altogether canceled. “Something came up.” He explained. He was scared, he couldn’t go through with it. Oh well. I unmatched him and moved on.
Lots of men reach out to me as a dominatrix to fantasize and even plan on their submission, but they are unable to follow through with it. They must be plagued by shame, fearful of anyone they know finding out about their “perverted” ways. What is so perplexing about this to me is that as women, we rarely feel this kind of shame when we are submissive. I recognize that there is a difference between being slightly submissive in a sensual interaction with a lover and seeking out a dominatrix to inflict some sort of punishment upon you, but still there’s something here to uncover. Where does the shame originate for men who sub? Why does the same not affect women (we are shamed for wanting sex, for having desires, don’t get me wrong. But we’re not shamed for being subs in this way)? It is because male submission is the opposite of what our toxic masculinity demands of men. They are ashamed that they want to know what it feels like to be subservient to a woman. They’re afraid of others’ judgments about the fact that he bowed to a woman, that he allowed her to be above him. They’re also afraid because female domination over a man is inherently queer. Even if the female domination does not involve the Domme pegging the man, this gender role reversal is opposite of typical cishet sex. Even when men desire it, they are often too terrified to follow through with such a massively subversive act.
There is one man in particular who has reached out on numerous occasions with the pretense of arranging a domination session where I punish him by stepping on his face for hours. I’ve entertained his requests multiple times because he pays me to text him, but I would never act on his requests in real life, even if he followed through with the plans he pretends to make. The trouble with this sub is that he is requesting an act that is outside of the rules of BDSM and outside of my ethics. He wants me to punish him with no safe word and no end. He wants my feet and full weight on his face until his bones are broken and his face is damaged beyond recognition. I obviously would never do this to a sub. And I don’t think he actually even wants this done, he only wants to fantasize about it. It must be a manifestation of deep insecurity about his appearance as well as self hatred, but it’s clearly an unhealthy outlet for those feelings. He has gone far enough to schedule a session, marking a day for this act to occur. I pretend that I’m in alignment, responding curtly “sure”, but I know we will never do any of what we discuss. I would never do it, and I don’t think he will. He claims that he has done it before, maybe he has, but the level to which he is requesting would result in either time spent in a hospital or a morgue. I’m deeply disturbed by all of our interactions, but I take the money and try to forget about the words I saw on my screen. This is an extreme example, I’m not sure if it’s necessary or if it detracts from my point because it is an anomaly rather than a pattern, but I think there is still a lesson or a connection here. Some men that seek out female domination are looking for deeply disruptive acts to be done to them, many are seeking violence as a form of escape. Male subordination is used as a more subversive response and rejection to the insecurities men develop, thus it is more difficult for them to embrace and accept than the standard male dom/female sub dynamic. For some men, this difficulty can result in more violent desires.
4. Resistance during the act - this man wants to be dominated, talks about it, agrees to it, makes plans for it, shows up for the act, but decides he cannot go through with it right before it occurs or during
I’ve only experienced this phase during my pro bono work with men (regular dating lol), never in my dominatrix work, though I do not doubt that this stage could present in a man who is paying for his domination. Personally, with paying clients, I’ve only experienced Phases 1-3 and 7.
Phase 4 is essentially just a story about a boy that I met on Hinge who overpromised and underdelivered with his submission. He swore he was into domination, so much so that he dreamt of being used as a toilet. I’m not into that, I never will be, I told him (piss play is fine as long as I’m the one doing it, not taking it; but the other end is an absolute red line for me). He said no problem, that was really more of just a fantasy he had, he had never acted on it. He just dreamt of being so used, the ultimate way of being used, he thought. Great, moving on.
The date went fairly well. We drank wine and watched a movie until things turned intimate. The sex was surprisingly good, pretty vanilla but satisfying. Though he had expressed interest in being dominated so fully, to the point of engaging in one of the most controversial kinks, I kept my domination pretty light, only expressed it in my dirty talk.
“You love that, don’t you?” I purred in his ear while he fucked me in missionary (not even an overtly femdom position), “you’re so lucky that you get to fuck this perfect pussy, aren’t you? Do you think you deserve it?” He just grunted back. This continued until the pique of my pleasure, and then when I asked him if he enjoyed it, he backed away across the bed and said sheepishly, “I mean, I don’t want to be dominated all the time. I like to be dominant too.” He was only submissive for about thirty minutes. Maybe we could switch the next time, I told him. As I’ve mentioned many times here, I’m open to being submissive, but only for people that know how to do it. And most men don’t know how to do it. It didn’t matter. There was no next time. I had never seen a man’s resistance to submission flip so suddenly while still in bed. I have to emphasize, there was nothing that I could have done or said to have flipped it this way. I would take responsibility if there was, but my domination was so basic and boring, I barely even did it.
Was he lying about his tendency towards submission from the start? Was it all just a fantasy? Was he unable to bypass the shame and emasculation? Was he too struck by subversion? I’ll never know, but I can only assume that he was plagued by those patriarchal demons.
5. Resistance immediately after the act - this man regrets his submission soon after it occurs; he wants to hide the evidence of it or pretend it didn’t happen, but he will commit the act again, stuck in a cycle of craving and instant regret
This phase is where several of my submissive situationships sat uncomfortably. Both are boys who experimented, dove into their first ever exploration of sexual subordination under my command. Both are pro bono/from dating apps. The first of these boys (I refer to them as such because they are both about five years my junior) was mentioned in a previous story (London boy), but I didn’t expand upon or explain his resistance to me, I only detailed the facts of it and my feelings about those facts. Our relationship existed only on Whatsapp for five months before we met. His submission was subtle, it was mostly just in the way he looked to me for guidance, called me “mommy”, and I would tell him he was a “good boy” when he followed my direction. He had never had FaceTime sex before he met me, his sweet 22 year old mouth gaped when I showed him how it worked. We played a constant game of submission and resistance, he would give in to his desires only occasionally, only at weak moments when he could no longer resist. In the moments outside of these, he grew more and more resentful, built up a tolerance towards me. It was a sport that I enjoyed participating in, trying to penetrate his tinny tough exterior and turn him back into my bitch. When we met in person for the first and only time, he was sweet, soft, submissive when he was inside of me and then while he slept after, but the next morning, like clockwork, the spell ran out. He regretted what he had done, showing his softer side to me, letting me take hold of it. He turned off the submission, turned on the resistance and pretended like he didn’t remember what he had done. He maintained this amnesic state for many months, yielding only for very brief moments, most of which would still be dripping with sarcasm as he refused to be truthful about this desire for me to dominate him.
The next boy is more complicated and gave in far more in some ways, but also resisted even harder in turn. He first revealed a small bit of his desire to submit on the only date we went on, letting me in on the secret of his longing to be a cuck. The admissions grew and I sometimes wished they would stop, as his desires became disturbing. His cuck fetish seemed to originate from a desire to be penetrated by a penis, which he vehemently denied for months until one day, he finally agreed. That’s not the disturbing part, obviously, though I did encourage him and let him know it’s completely normal and okay for him to desire men’s bodies. He was obsessed with giant cocks, sent me pictures of ones he found on Reddit threads for cuckolding kink enthusiasts. The concerning part was that he wanted to see me (and his ex-girlfriend, who he was not over and he would continuously bring up while we were sexting) getting fucked by these massive dicks, most over ten inches long and always girthy. He wanted to see me and other women pummeled, obliterated by them. I didn’t want that, I explained. Big dicks are fun, sure, but I can’t fit that much inside me, and I find no pleasure in the concept of my body being ruined by one. At first this seemed to spawn from his insecurity, his own penis being quite small and his sexual skills being limited, he enjoyed when I shamed him for these facts and emphasized the superiority of the other men I dated. Cock shaming can actually be a healthy practice for men, addressing the feelings of failure when they don’t match up to the societal expectations of men’s bodies and the images they see of men in porn. Putting it out there in the open, shedding light on it and making it into a kink can help men reframe their perspective of their bodies.
His lust for complete domination expanded as he explored the deepest and darkest corners of Reddit porn. He longed to be caged in a corner, tied up and tortured while watching his Domme be satisfied by a superior man. He repeatedly requested that I arrange a date with a “bull” (a man who fucks the partner while the cuck looks on or is told about the affair), where he could watch from across the bar as I flirted with the man over drinks that he intended to pay for.
His shame was so overwhelming that although we would discuss these interests often and he would frequent those porn pages, there were hours or days when he would refuse to acknowledge their existence. If I only just mentioned the topics that we were discussing even moments before, once he had shut it off, tried to compartmentalize the part of him that wanted to be dominated, he didn’t want to hear a thing about it. The most slight mention of, just alluding to it, would set him over the edge. “I’m a pretty boring guy usually.” A classic example of submissive dissonance, a cognitive dissociation from their sexual subordination, which rarely exists in women. I’ll discuss this more in the last phase, with the example of Hal from the film Sanctuary (2022). Some men must create this separation from themselves and their true desires because of the vast difference between their submissive state, and the patriarchal expectations of them. The boy in this example displayed this dissonance every single day, though those dissonant periods grew more rare as he delved deeper into his desires.
This phase seems to be common with younger male subs, or those who are at the beginning of their journey into the realm. It will take a great deal of work on themselves, their feelings of their own gender expressions, and their feelings towards women, in order to move to later phases. If the work is not done, they may stay stuck in this cycle for years.
6. Resistance later after the act - this man decides days, weeks later, that he did not enjoy it. Likely because the toxic masculinity that he managed to fend off for a bit came back with a vengeance
The story here starts with a Hollywood Executive who reached out to me from my online ad. He first requested a session with both him and his wife, where I dominated him and trained his wife on how to do the same. When I offered to reserve a time and date, he wavered, claiming that he needed to confirm with his wife if she was still on board. He came back days later with a new proposition - that I dominate him alone, sans wife. Was the wife ever even aware of his idea? Who knows, but it’s not my place to check in on my client’s fidelity, I only do the job as described and collect my money. So, we set a date for our time as a duo rather than a trio. He reserved a space at a local dungeon and requested some specific toys. I purchase new toys specifically for each client for hygienic purposes. They reimburse me for the cost, of course, and this allows me to offer each client the exact experience that they need. Certain devices can be reused and several are offered at the dungeon, but for the more intimate instruments, I prefer not to share among subs. With a brand new dildo in its box and a few CBT (Cock & Ball Torture) tools in tow, I met him in a dark dungeon in the middle of a sunny LA day. He was the most classic case of a pathetic sub. He enjoyed being degraded and punished, tied up and tortured. He got his money’s worth, and I got to watch myself in my full power fucking the ass of the man who produced many major motion pictures that we’ve all seen. The session seemed to be a success, apart from a slight struggle that I had with the strap on (the base of the dildo was thinner than the ring that it needs to fit in to stay secured and it slipped out a couple times). We chatted sporadically after the session with the potential of a second session on the horizon, but communication petered out. I contacted him again weeks later and he responded “who’s this?” to which I responded my SW name and when that still didn’t ring any bells, I reminded him that I had just fucked his ass a few weeks earlier. “Oh yeah. I’m not into that anymore.” Not into that anymore? How could that possibly be true? I found it hard to believe, and I said that, but he never responded. His submission had been a complete and total thing, not some simple whim that he wanted to test out. Perhaps I had failed in some way as a Domme and he was no longer interested in my services, using this claim as an out. Or, maybe he experienced this Delayed Onset Regret. He likely will return to his submissive ways one day. Someone who engages in it in that way cannot deny their desires for too long.
Then there was a pro bono date, a bisexual man who liked to switch (being submissive sometimes and dominant others, normally switching between different sessions but sometimes within the same one). We sexted for days before meeting and he expressed great interest in being submissive for me, choosing to call me “mommy” over text and in bed. We had a great time together, he was voracious and eager, both of us utterly satisfied by the end. I mentioned meeting again and he was vague in his response, even in person. I tried to maintain contact over text after and he became slow to respond and detached in his answers. Finally, he admitted that he wasn’t interested in spending time together again. First he claimed that it was due to external forces, stressful factors in his life that had lowered his libido. Then, he confessed that he “didn’t really like the ‘mommy’ stuff.” I get that “mommy/daddy” can be uncomfortable for some people; I don’t mind it because it represents the power that the Dom/me has over their sub, but I get it. However, this man had been interested in it and agreed to it for several days of sexting leading up to the date and seemed very much into it during sex, so I found this confusing.
Perhaps both of these examples of resistance were just responses to my domination in particular, rather than female domination as whole. I can’t know for sure, but I do think this category exists and is an important area to note within the subject. The complications that are caused by subverting our deeply ingrained cultural ideals can be confusing, can come at anytime. Even when we think we’ve overcome them, there they are to bite us again.
7. Resistance after a long period of time - like Severin in Venus in Furs, this man willingly obliges as a sub for a long period of time, perhaps even years, but some change in his life or sub situation causes an adverse reaction which turns to regret
I have no personal experience with this phase of male resistance to female domination. I’ve witnessed resistance and regret immediately after the act, then shortly after (delayed regret), but not such a long period of time. Maybe one day I’ll experience this phase in a male sub as I continue to meet and interact with them, but as of now I’ll have to draw on a fictional story that was based in fact.
Leopold von Sacher-Masoch wrote a novel titled Venus in Furs in 1870. The book tells the story of a man, Severin, who is so insatiably infatuated with a woman, Wanda, that he begs to be her slave. She eventually agrees and they draw up a contract which allows Wanda complete control of Severin’s body and soul, even allowing her to end his life if she wishes. The book opens to a page titled “STRANGE OBSESSION” which introduces us to the wicked Wanda and her submissive Severin:
“Wanda stepped back and looked at me with a somber smile. ‘Be my slave, and know what it means to be delivered into the hands of a woman.’ And at the same moment she gave me a kick. Then she flourished the whip. ‘Get up.’
I obeyed and she began to apply the lash. The blows fell rapidly and powerfully on my back and arms. Each one cut into my flesh and burned there, but the pains enraptured me. They came from her whom I adored, and for whom I was ready at any hour to lay down my life.
I seized her hand and pressed it to my lips.”
― Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, “Venus in Furs”
She torments and tortures him, finding new and more evil ways to humiliate him. He submits fully, follows her every command. That is, until she finds a man that she wishes to submit to. Wanda has her dom beat the sub Severin and Severin is so ashamed, he is scared out of his submission to her. In the end, we find Severin a scorned man, recounting this story with regret. He has shirked his submissive desires and become determined to be a dominant man. We see him treat a submissive woman under his employment with disdain and disrespect. He completes the tale by declaring that men cannot be submissive to women in this way until there is gender equality -
“[The moral is] that woman, as nature has created her, and man at present is educating her, is man's enemy. She can only be his slave or his despot, but never his companion. This she can become only when she has the same rights as he and is his equal in education and work.”
― Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, “Venus in Furs”
The conclusion is confusing though, because Masoch wrote this tale based on his own experiences with a Mistress. We can’t be certain how many creative liberties he took in his retelling of the true events, but we do know that they entered into a legal binding agreement as he pledged his allegiance to her. So did he really feel this way in the end? Or was that just a twisted character development that he explored? In his personal life, Masoch did move on from his affairs with his Mistress Fanny, got married and had children, but he eventually returned to being a sub. Despite their resistance, men who are inclined to submit will almost always return to the act, or at least fantasize about it. Regret and pressure to conform will always pester them, the level to which they succumb will vary.
8. Indulgence in female domination, acceptance of their desires, still coupled with shame which forces them to keep their submission separate and secret from their “real life”
Lastly, there is the phase where a man fully accepts his submissive desires, engages in them repeatedly with regret (at least not a level of regret which would prevent him from engaging again), but resists female domination by harboring it as a secret. The reasons for concealing it are varied - of course not everyone wants it to be public knowledge that they are into BDSM. The concern here is more with men who conceal these desires from their wives, girlfriends, female partners, and seek out domination from other women, because they are afraid of how their partner will view them if they learn about the man’s submissive desires. They are afraid that they will be seen as “less of a man”, or that their sexuality will be called into question.
I had a client that fell into this category, a married man who wanted, needed, to be pegged hard and with a huge strap on. His appetite for pain knew no bounds and after a few sessions, I realized I wasn’t comfortable trying to help him satisfy it because he was willing to sacrifice the state of his body. During our short time together, he admitted that he had always felt these urges and had sought out sex workers and Dominatrices for years, all while keeping the secret from his wife and children. He had accepted that he was queer, somewhere on the spectrum, perhaps pansexual, he said, but he would never reveal that to his family. His attitude towards his desires was totally unashamed, he had completely accepted himself and his needs, his resistance only came from the external pressures, from the resistance of others to accept men’s subordination. He believed his wife would never understand, she would judge him, she would no longer see him as a “man”, as the head of their family. He thought his sons would not respect him as their father if they knew he was queer. To combat men’s resistance to female domination, we all must address our prejudices and judgments of men’s subordination, not just the male sub.
A similar example is seen in the film Sanctuary (2022), starring Margaret Qualley and Christopher Abbott. Abbott plays the son of a wealthy businessman, dealing with the magnitude of taking on his late father’s business and his inheritance. Qualley is his Dominatrix who visits his elegant apartment to demean, humiliate, and dominate him. As he nears the official beginning of his overwhelming career, he decides that he no longer needs Rebecca’s (Qualley) services. He cannot risk anyone finding out about his complete subordination to her, he has to embody their ideal leader. “I need my insides to match my outsides”, he tells her as he gifts her a $30k watch and sends her on her way for what he insists will be the last time. She accepts her termination begrudgingly at first, exiting the apartment, but as she leaves, she decides she won't give up that easily. She returns to his room and they begin a battle of psychosexual warfare where she insists that she is owed a portion of his earnings because she has trained him, formed him into a man that is able to lead. Their war finally results in *spoiler alert* an agreement for her to run the company as CEO while he will be a stay-at-home husband to her. This is where their skills lie, they can’t deny that she is the superior leader and he doesn’t have what it takes. The final piece of his acceptance of self is admitting this to his mother and the board of directors. He resists again, momentarily, but when Rebecca shames him for being unable to admit it to this intimidating group of superiors, he finally gives in. He takes the ultimate last step, ending and overcoming his resistance to her domination and confessing it to the world.
It’s up to all of us to destigmatize men’s subordination - both sexually and socially. Women have certain expectations of men, whether we are fully aware of them or not. As we progress as a society, many women have sought out more feminine qualities in their male partners, but still there are many women that hold men to the same toxic masculine standards that we condemn. Though I don’t want to lean into the argument that women owe men anything or that we need to perform emotional labor to make them more comfortable with themselves, I do think we need to address whatever stigmas still live inside of us. If there is some inherent impulse of disgust in a woman who comes across a more submissive or non-traditionally masculine man, let’s address that, question it.
We have to acknowledge the value of submissive men - the power that is required to subvert the patriarchal pressure, praise and worship women, and admit and accept it. When men are able to move through these phases of resistance and accept their desire to submit to women, they have begun the process of deprogramming the misogyny that has been polluting them.
I want to believe that men can change. I don’t want to believe that they are undateable, that we have no chance at ever being treated appropriately, respectful, righteously. I do enjoy dating women as well but I can’t deny that I’m attracted to men and I (occasionally) enjoy dating them, and I think I always will. So I want them to do better. I want them to deprogram the need to dominate me and my body, and embrace the idea of worshiping me and my power as a woman.
